On Being Different

I’m not only different because I’m a schizoaffective, but I’m also a Girl Genius and have a 99% Golden Ratio face according to an online calculator.

I was on the mensa and gifted online forums last night, I’ve never participated in IQ forums before, but I kept getting kicked off other forums for being ‘mainstream’ or generally ‘breaking the rules’. I don’t know what that means but today I’m often discriminated against and have problems fitting in.

I realize that I’m as smart as the top .4 percent in the world prior to psychosis and I also know that IQ improves with age. I don’t know if my recovery increased my IQ but the last time I did an IQ test at a laundro mat while waiting, I only got one wrong answer.

I’m on a medicine right now that increases cognitive function. Verbal fluency and verbal memory. It’s a mood stabilizer and gets me back to feeling like myself again. I’m also on a 3rd generation antipsychotic called Vrylar. It helps me feel safe and covers symptoms of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I am very grateful for these medicines and my doctor who is spectacular.

About the Golden Ratio, I’m in my 30’s now and haven’t put a selfie through a ratio calculator recently, but I did about 10 years ago. I was trying to figure myself out and it came out as nearly perfect. At the time I was dealing with self esteem issues so it was very surprising and nice to feel beautiful. I think maybe it was a good selfie but I was also a different age. But.. I came down with symptoms that I was being sex trafficked when nobody was around and broke the law again. I keyed some cars in which I was arrested for unfortunately.

There’s lots I’m not good at. Like remembering birthdays and I sometimes leave the stove on. I also have a hard time making friends nowadays. I wasn’t always this way so I know my illness is taxing. But I think people are generally friendly though, and I’m hoping with my improved health that things will change.

I used to be a Yoga Teacher but I was mostly working for free and it wasn’t a living wage. I got burnt out. I volunteered at the YMCA, Modo as an energy exchange volunteer and at a community centre for the mentally ill. I also taught in Moose Factory in my basement, but then I was hospitalized. I thought there were cameras everywhere in my house and that my husband was an undercover cop. I had tactile hallucinations (trigger warning) of rape, I thought I was going to die and that I wouldn’t live past Christmas. I had visuals of people hitting me, cutting me, attacking me. I had a really rough time.

A lot of people with high IQ work normal jobs. Baker, zoo, postman. We are less concerned about wealth and more concerned for a better world. We do need money obviously. But you probably won’t see one of us driving a Lambourghini.