Sick Days

So, the medicine transition hasn’t been going so well. I went on a medicine called Vrylar and it’s been extremely chaotic and exhausting.

I go from feeling like I’m going to die to thinking that my dad made me some kind of Catholic sacrifice with the expectation that I be the next Messiah. I get furious at these visions and tactile hallucinations that people challenge a good god and want me to be the Queen of Heaven… in front of Mother Mary… with a bit of suffering.. It’s a LOT of suffering actually and it’s completely invisible to people.

I like to reference the scene in Dune where Paul’s character is ordered to put his hand in a box of all the pain in the world and if he lets go he will have a poisoned needle pierce his neck. My illness mimics some of these themes except I am a woman and they bred me wrong.. by accident? According to the church. But I am a modern woman who likes a margarita, wears a spaghetti strap dress and had sex before marriage with a few men. Oh, I’ve also had an abortion. The tactile hallucinations are of (trigger warning) genocidal rape, in a hell apparition in the heavens to punish me for my ‘sins’ done to a human by humans. And it isn’t just men. Women do it too. Even though I have tried confession, I am a married woman now, but i’m pretty sure I didn’t break laws in my country and I was also raised in public school. I have done nothing wrong according to the society I was raised in. If it’s a practice to punish girls for wrongdoings, you should be incarcerated. It’s real that I’m being raped for going to public school, that would mean a massive conspiracy against children. CHILDREN. I am a modern human, also very young. (I am not an ancient spirit) I am a woman with a modern story of finding love. If the delusions are not I am assigned by god to bring to new faith of humanity forward into the future. It isn’t fair that I be a victim of a massive conspiracy against women who also want FAIRNESS and EQUALITY. We didn’t grow up with religious police, and know nothing about the church’s expectation to stay chaste until you find a life mate. An excuse to rape a woman who be dammed by both the church and it’s secular enemies is just a society that blames it’s children for not raising themselves well enough.

I don’t mean to sound Quanon on you, but the place I am being tortured in is not quite heaven. It’s a place filled with a pedophilia lust they created throughout my childhood doing various forms of sexual abuses. My dad in the delusions is a mass murderer and rapes me and tortures me. I remember the voices saying ‘Major League of Abuse’ as a joke as they raped me for lust on earth that you find in porn. And the stupid Catholic church’s prayer says “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. What a bunch of expletives!

In my teen years, I excelled at school but what does it matter now? I was constantly exhausted from all the training at club volleyball and dance and I also had a bad bought of depression. The doctor’s theory is that I was pushed too hard and the schizophrenia is stress induced.

Also, I told my mom, when I was about 12, that I believed I would never be married or have children. She asked me why, I didn’t know why, but I just had this very real feeling that I was odd and not attractive. And the I fell in love with my ballet partner at the tender age of 13.

Putting these delusions together with my past memories, is extremely disturbing. I know that the right medicine makes these symptoms subside (not completely go away) but they are basically tranquilizers that manage pain and delusion. I am increasingly aware that the medicine I used to be on, managed this way better. One of the things that schizophrenics do is look for clues and evidence that what they’re going through is part of reality. It’s very confusing to mix symptoms with memories or to see things online and confuse its meaning.

Today is a sick day and I am trying to get healthy. Hopefully this psychic abuse stops or the medicine kicks in.