Catholicism and Schizoaffective Disorder

Today is a rainy day here in then James By Region of Canada. And I’m reflecting on my symptoms of religious theme and my Catholic upbringing. It’s sometimes difficult to have both Schizoaffective Disorder and follow a religion. Here’s my story.

I was Baptized Catholic and then confirmed as an adult. I never went to Catholic School in Canada growing up, because my parents wanted me to speak French. I was always surrounded by public school kids who weren’t Catholic. Over the years I’ve tried different sects of Christianity. Baptist, Pentecostal, Anglican and, my upbringing Catholicism.

There was yoga in the mix of this too, but I have found my path today as a candidate for English Teaching. There are times when my illness intersects with the faith of the Catholic Church, does this mean I’m communicating with God? Or do I have a brain disease? Well, I believe it could be a bit of both.

I don’t think it’s impossible that I’m getting messages from God. My husband is an atheist and doesn’t believe in the supernatural. And when you suffer for a debilitating mental health issue like Schizophrenia, it’s best to question your experiences often. A key part of Schizoaffective Disorder is looking for clues to confirm that your experience is real. But this can pose a threat to the average bear, praying and receiving the Lord. There are some experiences that I’ve had that I find to be spiritual in nature that are truly magical. I thought there might be a war on books before the book ban in Florida. I also went through (trigger warning) symptoms of genocidal rape before it happened in Rwanda. And I have experiences that God is using me for lessons in which I am extremely humbled by.

One day, I was driving to meet a friend and I heard a loud booming man’s voice that said “The Holy Trinity has been placed within you.” It sounded so real, like it was coming from the sky. I wasn’t diagnosed at time and I sort of believed that I was getting a message from God. I also had another wonderful experience where God brought me spirits who meant something to me on the path of righteousness; Like Marilyn Monroe, Leonardo Davinci and His beloved son Jesus Christ the healer. But, there are also parts of my story where I have classic signs of Schizoaffective Disorder and delusion like Cap Gras and Cotards Delusion. I even had signs of a the indigenous god Wendigo which is not recognized by the medical community as a ‘spirit’ but a form of mental delusion. Thank God!

At one point, I thought I might become a Nun and be received into the Church. I heard his voice telling me that I was His Bride and I even had a little private ceremony. What’s wrong with that? But it’s complicated for a schizophrenic to dance in these waters and I ended up going to a music /whisky cafe and making friends, among them is my now husband, S.

My life is very complex. I have sides of me that are strange and processing the last moment of request from other sources, real or imagined.

I have an online community of other schizophrenics and we discuss topics that pertain to our illness. It helps us cope and have support. Behind every man or woman living with this disease is often a smart and kind, caring and compassionate human being with a big heart. We have a lot going on in our minds and the clarity of our thoughts can waiver, but we still have a lot of life to live.